Our daughter is having an affair with a married man. How do we stop it?

Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.
Should a parent step in when their adult child makes troubling choices? Photo / 123rf
A 20-something woman who lives with her parents has incurred their disappointment by continuing an affair with her former boss. Since she won’t end things, should they tell the man’s wife? Advice on this, and other reader problems, from Philip Galanes.

Q. Our daughter (early 20s) is having
an affair with her former boss at a fast-food restaurant. He is married, and his wife discovered the affair by seeing texts on her husband’s phone. We discovered it by noticing a big increase in data usage on our phone bill. (They text each other incessantly!) We asked our daughter to stop working at the restaurant, and we believed that the affair had ended and that husband and wife were trying to work things out. Recently, though, I became suspicious and saw on our daughter’s phone that the affair was ongoing. We told her we were disappointed in her, but she refuses to end things. She lives at home and drives our car, and we are fuming. We are tempted to tell this man’s wife about the affair, but we don’t want to crash our daughter’s life worse than she’s doing herself. Thoughts? – Father

A. Your daughter may always be your baby, but she is no longer a child – though she is still quite young. You don’t mention how old her married lover is, but I didn’t detect any concern in your letter that he had manipulated her into a sexual relationship. So, as long as that’s the case, I sympathise with your distress, but I don’t believe you should make any ultimatums or tell the man’s wife about the affair.
I suspect, too, that framing your conversation with your daughter around your disappointment in her – a common parental ploy for inducing compliance through guilt – is probably less effective than talking to her directly about the people she is harming with her behaviour: notably the husband’s wife, and probably herself. These affairs tend not to end well.
But that leads to my central point: sometimes, we learn only from our mistakes. If your daughter is not yet able to grasp that it is profoundly unwise to attach herself romantically to a person who is betraying a current partner, as her lover is, then she may have to learn that lesson the hard way. Monitoring her phone or taking away the car keys is beside the point. You will simply have to wait.
Q. My ex-husband’s daughter is 40 and lives 3200km away. Her father and I divorced many years ago. She is a busy mother and wife, but she always sends me cards on special occasions. She writes that she loves and admires me, and I do the same. But when she visits her father nearby, I discover it only after the fact. Recently, she and her family visited for a week, posting about all their fun outings – to which I was not invited. Again. So hurtful! Her behaviour tells me I am not a priority. Even so, she is my children’s half-sister, and I adore her. Should I express my hurt to her, complain to her father (with whom I am on good terms) or just accept her unkind behaviour? – Stepmother
A. I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt. And I have a couple of ideas that may help: In your next card to your stepdaughter, invite her to visit you (and her half-siblings) when she is next in town. Complaining about your exclusion from events without making any invitations yourself seems a little self-centred. And this approach may work!
You may also need to reassess this relationship. You were married to your stepdaughter’s father many years ago. And she may be satisfied with your epistolary relationship. If she’s busy with her father while she’s visiting – not to mention her immediate family – try not to begrudge her. A loving correspondence is nothing to sneeze at!
Q. I am 70 and taking my first steps back into dating after losing my partner of 40 years. I have a chronic medical condition that requires treatment, but there are no outward signs of it. At what point in a developing relationship should I disclose my condition? I’m afraid I’ve already scared off one woman by telling her too soon. – Dater
A. I’m heartened that you’re getting out there again. We all have issues to share with prospective partners – whether they are physical or emotional – that we fear may make us less appealing to them. I hope you know that you’re not alone in this. As for timing, I would wait to share your condition until you both start telling each other sensitive information about your backgrounds and prior relationships. We all come with baggage!
Q. My wife and I host a drop-by gathering every year to celebrate my birthday at a local pub. But this year, two old friends started a divorce proceeding, which has turned ugly. And two other friends are newly estranged. I want to invite all of them and hope they can put aside their differences. But how should we deal with the inevitable “Is so-and-so coming?” – Friend
A. Avoid childish drama. Most people who are estranged or divorcing can manage to stand in the same bar for an hour. (You don’t mention any restraining orders here.) If a friend asks whether another friend is coming, simply respond, “It’s the same guest list as last year”. If your invitees require further information, let them investigate on their own.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
©2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES
Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.